An Open Letter to the Heenes

Dear Falcon "Balloon Boy" Heene and Family,

It has now become common knowledge that your family's little publicity stunt was, in fact, just that. A week ago, many Americans froze in front of their favorite news source (tv/computer/handheld/smoke signals) concerned that a small child was trapped in a runaway balloon. We were slightly relieved to hear that the balloon had been recovered, but you were not to be found. When you turned up shortly after, we were relieved that you were alive.

But those buoyant feelings were soon replaced by questions: Why were you hiding in the attic? Why did people think you were in the balloon? Why was there a pseudo-weather balloon hanging out in your yard anyway? Why did they name you Falcon?

As the questions began to be answered, skepticism, confusion and feelings of WTH weighed heavy on us all.  And now we all know the truth about your dad's bird-brained scheming. At first, I was irritated that I got duped. Then I was annoyed at your dad's selfishness and lack of regard for our heartstrings. But now, it's full-on beef. Porcelain-white Chianina sized beef.

This stunt has kept the attention of camera crews, national news, Twitter, blogs and even gossip blogs for days. During which time, I've been deprived of all kinds of actual information. AND your little stunt made my job hard. While I'm trying to talk to the media about my client's news (actual news, that a lot of people would care about), they are off writing about you.

Tell your dad congrats in achieving his goal of getting some attention. But as I've told people before, it is really hard to fake stuff and get away with it these days.

Good luck growing up and shedding your "Balloon Boy" nickname! Now that you've been the butt of many jokes, Kanye included (yo Balloon Boy, I'mma let you finish, but UP! was one of the best stories of floating away of all time!), you'll float on out of our collective awareness. At least until you show up on VH1 20 years from now on "Child Disappearance Celebrities: Where Are They Now" with Baby Jessica and Elizabeth Smart.

Smooches!

Katie

PS - If you ever want to get news attention for something REAL and not made up, call me!