The Future is Here

Welcome to Futureville. Population: Us 

I’m sure you already know this, savvy reader, but recently a new mobile device from a certain mega-huge company was revealed. This game-changing device promises to be a strong contender for occupying the number one slot in your belt loop-attached cell phone holster.

Of course I’m talking about the Casio G’zOne Rock (available from Verizon), the first cell phone slash fish finder.

This bad boy comes in a ruggedized clamshell and features six different modes:

• Tide Mode – Get ebb and flow times, sea tide levels and learn the best time to fish!
• Earth Compass Mode – Get GPS distances for 40 worldwide places. ON YOUR PHONE!
• Walking Counter Mode – Keeps track of steps, time, distance, speed, energy consumption. It’s a pedometer…IN YOUR POCKET!
• Thermometer Mode – Brrr, sure is cold outside! How cold? Just fire up thermometer mode and find out!
• Astro Calendar Mode – Ever wonder how many days you have left until the full moon turns you into a werewolf? Wonder no more.
• Sunrise Sunset Mode – Ever wonder how many hours you have left until the sun rises and you have to get back to your coffin (real vampires sleep in coffins!)? Wonder no more.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, what I’m saying is you pretty much can’t live without this phone. In fact, I’m wondering how we made it this far.

2.0-megapixel camera, Bluetooth, Verizon VCAST video and music…is there anything this phone CAN’T do?!

$200 from Verizon.

Oh, and some other phone that I guess a few people care about was announced yesterday….whatever.

Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It…

Confidential

For iPhone User Eyes Only

 

 Launch Time: 1200 PST

Completion Time: 1300 PST

Location: USA

Director: Dan Lyons (aka Fake Steve Jobs)

Goal

To convey, via civil and technological disobedience, the message that AT&T should focus on improving and expanding the capabilities of their infrastructure rather than exploring methods of “incentivizing” users to not use the device for the reason they purchased it.

Background

On June 29, 2007, Apple, in coordination with AT&T launched the iPhone, a profoundly game changing cellular device. A runaway success for both companies, the device went on to spur fresh development in the then-stagnating cellular product world. However, the rampant popularity of the iPhone has proved too much for the sole carrier of the device in the US, AT&T. The CEO of the company in a recent interview made remarks indicating a possible plan to encourage users to use less data (through fees and rate hikes) rather than improving the network to accommodate the increased popularity of the device. This has been deemed unacceptable.

Operation Details

Between 1200 and 1300 PST, all iPhone owners are to ensure they’re not using a wi-fi connection and, for the entire hour, use the most intensive data applications available, such as video streaming or emailing large files. This will create a heavy load on AT&T’s data network, sending a message to the service provider that they should be focused on upgrading their service rather than penalizing customers for wanting to use the service they already pay a high fee to use.

For iPhone User Eyes Only

Confidential

Aw, T-Mobile, You Didn’t Have To Do That…(You Totally Had To Do That)

Remember the Sidekick, that little cellular device favored by teenage mall denizens and, apparently, professional cretin Perez Hilton? Recently, dozens of Hot Topic shoppers were hit hard when a back-end system failure made accessing any data not on the device itself impossible. At first, it looked like the data was lost permanently.

Perez was not pleased.

In between algebra and gym, the other Sidekick users handled it using all of the behavioral tools they had at their disposal.

Microsoft, the folks who bought the company that makes the device, Danger, said they were working around the clock trying to recover the data (and save face), but it wasn’t looking good.

But then something wonderful happened.

T-Mobile offered to let anyone using a Sidekick to leave their service contract with no penalty. This ups the number of kind, generous and sensible acts perpetrated by the cellular industry to “1”.

Turns out, though, MS was able to recover the data for most customers. A sigh of relief was heard throughout America’s high school cafeterias.

This guy was happy, too.