Movie Review: This Means War

Last week, the fabulous Miss Beth and I got the chance to check out an early screening of This Means War, a fluffy romcom starring Bane, Captain Kirk and June Carter. This movie is being marketed as a “something for everyone” package: violence and explosions and fun CIA gadgets for guys and the sort of disgustingly saccharine romance that makes even kittens want to punch themselves in the face for the ladies.

If you like Tom Hardy, Chris Pine and Reese Witherspoon and are determined to watch every single damn movie they’re in, this movie is for you. If you like coherent plotlines, interesting characters, not having your intelligence insulted or good movies, this movie is not for you.

(They are not aiming at Reese. No matter how hard you squint.)

I won’t lie - I laughed out loud during some parts and Tom Hardy’s Tuck (which reminded me of the children’s novel Tuck Everlasting) and Chris Pine’s FDR (seriously, that was his character’s name) have great chemistry. In fact, Tuck and FDR had more chemistry than say, Tuck and Reese’s character, Laura, or FDR and Laura, or the villain and FDR and Tuck. Speaking of which…

The villain, whose name is not on IMDB but for some reason is listed as an FBI agent, had about 15 minutes total of screen time. His entire arc could have been cut completely and the movie wouldn’t have suffered (any more than it already does from, you know, the writing). His whole reason for existing in this movie is to exact revenge for the death of his… okay, I won’t spoil that for you. But basically aside from the romantic shenanigans, Tuck and FDR are also responsible for the death of someone. *cue the laughs!*

So what’s this movie about? Two men fall in love with the same woman and duke it out to win her affections. The ‘unique’ part about this tired trope is that Tuck and FDR are CIA agents who use their super special CIA resources to find out everything about Laura. They tailor their, um, seduction based off this information. So basically, when they all fall in mushy happy love with each other, it’s a lie. It’s all a big, fat frikin’ lie.

Buuut seeing as how this is a romcom I was willing to let it go, except for the ending which… Well, let me say this- if the ending were a person I’d slap it. I’d slap it for being dumb and I’d slap it just to make sure it knew how ridiculous it was being.

Bottomline: I give this movie two out of five Angela Bassets (oh, right, she was in this thing): one point for the comedy and one point for the awesomeness that is Tom Hardy in a suit. There were lots of fun action scenes and it did make me laugh but I walked out of the theater glad that our tickets were free.

(This is Tom Hardy in a suit. This is why this movie earned an extra point.)

P.S: Here’s a short version of the clever way the villain tracks down FDR and Tuck.  

Bad guy: (holding a scrap of FDR’s suit) I would like a suit made out of this material. But I want to make sure that it’s the only suit of this kind in the world.

Random Savile Row tailor: Nice fabric, yo! Oh hey, actually I made a suit out of this material like ages ago, man.

Bad guy: (flashes menacing smile) You don’t say? And where exactly does the man who owns this suit live?

Random Savile Row tailor: LA. But it’s not the real LA, it’s Vancouver made to look like LA, which…

Bad guy: Enough! 

Makin Whoopie...Pies

Yesterday, Oddfellows Cafe on Capitol Hill held the first annual "Whoopie Pie Bake Off." Yours truly was one of the lucky few vying for top prize of Whoopie Pie Champion. A whoopie pie (alternatively called a gob, black-and-white, bob, or "BFO" for Big Fat Oreo) is a baked good made of two round mound-shaped pieces of chocolate cake, sometimes pumpkin cake, with a sweet, creamy frosting sandwiched between them. The rules: bake an original, classic whoopie and bake your own rendition.

My first attempt was an epic failure. Tried to make Devonshire cream, but ended up with something resembling thin vanilla yogurt. I tested my second attempt at a classic whoopie pies on the staff here at Porter Novelli. Confident in my whoopie pie skillz I was ready for the big day.

My personal conception of the whoopie pie was comprised of white chocolate cake with a raspberry, marshmallow fluff and lil' bit of homemade raspberry jam dusted with cocoa powder.

The competition began at 11 am. The judges: the Long Winter's John Roderick, Chamber of Commerce head Michael Wells, ice cream entrepreneur Molly Moon, the Stranger's Christopher Frizzelle, Chelsea Lin of Seattle CitySearch and the community attendees. The challengers: 11 other amateur and professional bakers from the corners of Seattle. 24 different pies with 144 pies total. Gone by noon.

The results. I lost to a 7 year old girl, though her pie was super delicious. The little girl an d Audrey McManus tied for "Best Classic Whoopie Pie." "Best Overall" and "Most Interesting" went to Heather Earnhardt of Volunteer Park Cafe.

It is hard to get upset over losing a baking competition and I can honestly say it was a lot of fun. From the Slog, "[to] the baker who put raspberry jam in the filling. It was the perfect summer touch." Thanks Chris Frizzelle. In the words of Tugg Speedman, "It was an honor just to be nominated."



Popular Baby Names List: More ways to ruin your child’s life

So everyone around me knows I’m a Supernatural fan. It’s one of the best (read: awesomely bad) shows out there right now and I can’t wait until the Season Six premiere.

But no matter how much I like the show, I don’t think I’d ever name my child after one of the characters- no matter how sexycool he is. Apparently though, I am in the minority since according to the baby name trend report put out by BabyNameWizard.com, Castiel is gaining ground as the most popular boy’s name for 2010.

Yes, that’s right. I said Castiel. As in, the angel of Thursday. As in, a character on Supernatural. 

For more laughs, check out the lists for girls and boys below. At a quick glance, I see names that refer to a True Blood character, a car brand, a country singer, a race of ten-foot tall blue people from Pandora, a pretentious clothing brand, and the half octopus/half-mermaid witch who stole Ariel’s voice in The Little Mermaid.

Also, wasn’t Dashiell one of Santa’s reindeer?

FASTEST-RISING GIRL'S NAMES	FASTEST-RISING BOY'S NAMES
1. Tenley 2. Harper 3. Everleigh 4. Martina 5. Sookie 6. Navi 7. Charlotte 8. Eloise 9. Lorelai 10. Ursula 11. Briella 12. Kinley 13. Tinsley 14. Mhairi 15. Leighton 16. Maelle 17. Ever 18. Kinsley 19. Lux 20. Everly	1. Castiel 2. Bentley 3. Eoin 4. Easton 5. Lucian 6. Aarav 7. Zion 8. St. John 9. Kaiden 10. Sterling 11. Callan 12. Leland 13. Harper 14. Mikah 15. Dashiell 16. Eliah 17. Dawson 18. Kayden 19. Lennon 20. Dorian

Name your children whatever you want to name them. No matter what, other children on the playground will find some way to mock even the most normal of names. May I suggest enrolling your child in karate lessons now?

 

Phantom Coffee Stirrer-Leaver Gets Fancy

Seattle, WA—The unknown coffee-stirrer leaver has once again struck- and this time, they’ve added a new weapon to their arsenal.

Over the past year, office tenants in the Porter Novelli Seattle office have come in to work in the mornings to find a used coffee stirrer placed in front of the coffee pot. At first, no one mentioned the nearly daily occurrence but many people noticed the mysterious stirrer and some have even speculated on the reasoning behind the placement.

“I thought someone was leaving an offering to the coffee gods,” Brent Camara, a witness, said. “He is a wily and capricious god and demands many offerings throughout the day.”

Dubbed simply as the “Phantom,” workers have begun to speculate on his or her identity.

As Amy Smith, another witness to the Phantom’s work throughout the months, said: “Every day I see those sticks, and I wonder...hmmmm who put them there? It is SUCH a mystery!"

The Phantom recently escalated their attacks on kitchen cleanliness by using a fork in place of the usual stirrer, causing even more- (turn to page A5 for additional content)

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Yes, I’m being totally passive-aggressive and no, I don’t care. I’m sure I’ll get hate email for this but it’s gotta be done, folks.

For the past… I don’t know… year, someone’s been leaving their used coffee stirrer next to the coffee pot. It might be because the recycling and garbage bins are too far away from the counter (cue: extreme sarcasm) or it could be that the Phantom Stirrer has truly good intentions and would like the next coffee-addict to take advantage of a used straw.

In the first case, the Phantom Stirrer is simply lazy or forgetful. Or both.

In the second case, the Phantom Stirrer is a sweet but misguided coffee lover.

I choose to believe the latter (because Porter Novelli people ROCK and don’t you forget it) but let’s ask the entire office in an informal poll:

When you see a used stirrer with dried coffee stains in front of the pot, do you:

• Use it
• Make a face and leave it there
• Throw it away

If you want to participate, please leave your answer in the comment section. For the curious at heart, I usually do the second or third choice, depending on how grouchy or helpful I feel in the mornings.

Anyway, this week we ran out of stirrers so what did the Phantom do this morning? They got fancy!

That’s right. Instead of simply carefully shaking their cup to mix creamer into their coffee, the Phantom chose to use a fork. You see that everyone? That’s creativity. That’s thinking outside of the box. That right there is in-no-va-tion.

Honestly, it may or may not be one person. There might be more than one Phantom (unlike the Highlander, in which there can only be ONE). Whoever you are, wherever you sit, all I have to say is: Congratulations- you helped me come up with a Fizzle-Pop post and a poor imitation of a news article.

Fizzle-Pop Eats: The Counter

I don’t think it gets much more symbolically American, food-wise, than the hamburger. In its most basic form, it’s a simple sandwich: Bread, meat, bread. But rarely do we ever eat it that way. We slather on condiments, we add cheese (nearly standard) and bacon (should be standard), we introduce plants (onions, tomatoes, lettuce) all to make a burger uniquely ours. Your perfect burger is most certainly different than mine. It’s almost a signature.

Seattle has more than a few places that can help you create your signature burger, but for me, the best place is The Lunchbox Laboratory. Small, unkempt and kitschy, this place has an overwhelming number of options to help you create your meat masterpiece. The shakes are great, too.

But recently, a contender for best custom burger joint opened up in Ballard: The Counter. Located in the sort of new Ballard Blocks shopping...thing, The Counter is the cleaned up presentable version of the Lunchbox. When you visit, the first thing you’ll notice (at least the first thing I noticed) is how the signage and typeface make you wonder if you’re not actually about to eat at an office supply store. Once inside, you might be taken aback by the sterile, almost hospital-like interior design of the place. Muted whites and grays dominate, with aluminum chairs. It’s very clean and most certainly antithetical to getting messy with a ridiculous custom burger.

When you enter, a nice person will hand you your menus: clipboards with a list of pre-configured burgers printed on them as well as a pencil and a pad of burger building sheets with the various components on them. This is the ideal way to dine at The Counter. If you come here and select a pre-built burger, then you’re missing the point.

The list of options available to you is extensive (but less so than at the Lunchbox) so I won’t detail them here other than to say you can choose the size of hamburger patty, the type of bun, sauces, cheese, and additions like bacon, onions, etc. On my trip, I built or sort of weird Greek burger, with bacon, feta and tsatsiki. I also got a half and half order of sweet potato fries and fried onions to share with a friend who was with me.

After taking our custom burger slips, the waiter came back less than 10 minutes later with our food, which I thought was pretty fast. This made me suspicious, but I can’t really explain why. I guess I just didn’t want to admit a burger really is “fast food”.

My burger was as I had ordered it, but the tsatsiki was on the side, which I thought was odd. It also wasn’t very good tsatsiki, so maybe they were doing me a favor.

So how was it? Well, it was a burger. It was cooked perfectly (a little pink inside). It was THE burger I built, so I guess I can’t really blame anyone but myself for not being blown away. All of the extras I requested were there, but they didn’t feel like a cohesive thing. It was just a collection of foods picked from a sheet. The experience was as sterile as the dining room I was eating in.

The sides were ok, nothing remarkable.

In the plus column, they’ve got a nice selection of local beers as well as a full bar, which is interesting but maybe a little incongruent to the idea of a “burger joint”.

Ultimately, I think The Counter is fine, but if you’re after a custom-made burger, you can do a lot better in Seattle. I probably won’t be back, but it does make me want to take another trip to the Lab…

Fizzle.