Phantom Coffee Stirrer-Leaver Gets Fancy

Seattle, WA—The unknown coffee-stirrer leaver has once again struck- and this time, they’ve added a new weapon to their arsenal.

Over the past year, office tenants in the Porter Novelli Seattle office have come in to work in the mornings to find a used coffee stirrer placed in front of the coffee pot. At first, no one mentioned the nearly daily occurrence but many people noticed the mysterious stirrer and some have even speculated on the reasoning behind the placement.

“I thought someone was leaving an offering to the coffee gods,” Brent Camara, a witness, said. “He is a wily and capricious god and demands many offerings throughout the day.”

Dubbed simply as the “Phantom,” workers have begun to speculate on his or her identity.

As Amy Smith, another witness to the Phantom’s work throughout the months, said: “Every day I see those sticks, and I wonder...hmmmm who put them there? It is SUCH a mystery!"

The Phantom recently escalated their attacks on kitchen cleanliness by using a fork in place of the usual stirrer, causing even more- (turn to page A5 for additional content)

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Yes, I’m being totally passive-aggressive and no, I don’t care. I’m sure I’ll get hate email for this but it’s gotta be done, folks.

For the past… I don’t know… year, someone’s been leaving their used coffee stirrer next to the coffee pot. It might be because the recycling and garbage bins are too far away from the counter (cue: extreme sarcasm) or it could be that the Phantom Stirrer has truly good intentions and would like the next coffee-addict to take advantage of a used straw.

In the first case, the Phantom Stirrer is simply lazy or forgetful. Or both.

In the second case, the Phantom Stirrer is a sweet but misguided coffee lover.

I choose to believe the latter (because Porter Novelli people ROCK and don’t you forget it) but let’s ask the entire office in an informal poll:

When you see a used stirrer with dried coffee stains in front of the pot, do you:

• Use it
• Make a face and leave it there
• Throw it away

If you want to participate, please leave your answer in the comment section. For the curious at heart, I usually do the second or third choice, depending on how grouchy or helpful I feel in the mornings.

Anyway, this week we ran out of stirrers so what did the Phantom do this morning? They got fancy!

That’s right. Instead of simply carefully shaking their cup to mix creamer into their coffee, the Phantom chose to use a fork. You see that everyone? That’s creativity. That’s thinking outside of the box. That right there is in-no-va-tion.

Honestly, it may or may not be one person. There might be more than one Phantom (unlike the Highlander, in which there can only be ONE). Whoever you are, wherever you sit, all I have to say is: Congratulations- you helped me come up with a Fizzle-Pop post and a poor imitation of a news article.

Hump Day Headline

"Company Creates Sarcasm Punctuation"

A software company has developed a sarcasm punctuation mark, because we're so good at using the existing punctuation marks that we need another one to keep up with

Do we need extra punctuation marks to aid in the clarity of our written communications? Is it a sign of poorly written communication that you have to explain your tone? I wonder if this new mark will take off in actual writing or if it will be relegated to the fringe, used alongside emoticons, abbrevs and lolspeak.

Will you buy the software? Or do you consider this another step in the degradation of written communication?